I'm stressed out and I feel very thin, stretched to four corners of what I want to do with my time.
I want to teach in a bilingual school. Maybe the John Stanford school in seattle or Le Petite Ecole in New York (though I hear it's very snotty), or maybe in Spain (though where Eric fits in there I'm not sure.)
I want to write a book, maybe a collection of short stories or a novel. I could do it, I have the talent (part of being a writer, I've learned, is being just cocky enough (or to quote JT 'is it really cocky if you know that it's true?)). I have the talent, then, but do I have the passion. Sometimes, I get so frustrated, because the line between being good and being published is very wide and tall.
I want to see my screenplay on TV. It's a good screenplay, a great one maybe, complete with twists and turns and a gay main character (who I quote already, though he isn't an icon. . . yet. I think, right now, I want this most of all. I want it so that I can almost taste it, and Kat is right there with me, rooting me on, feeding me ideas, correcting my grammar.
I want to be married and have kids, ahora, and yet, I don't want this at all. I want to live, live, live, without a single thing holding me back from travelling, saving money, spending money, earning money. But then, in the back of my head, my mother's voice is echoing "don't let a good guy go" and Eric is a good guy; he is this above all else.
I want all of these things, but they don't seem to coincide or mesh at all. It's four different lives I want, and yet only one me. I feel like Robert Frost's traveller.
As for teaching though, this much I know I can accomplish. Already, every day, I get six to ten e-mails of job offers from Spain, Mexcio, all the souther border states and Canada too. At least, while I'm still choosing the least travelled path, I know there is job security.
steamed artichokes
1 day ago
1 comment:
Oh honey! welcome to the senior year dilemna! We should chat, talk it out. But my one advisory comment would be YOU HAVE TIME to do all of this. I struggle with this all the time, wanting to do it all, four or five or six different things, and feeling as if you must choose only one and dedicate yourself to it. And the truth is, you can do it all, but probably not all at once. And thats the most difficult part. Is choosing one for now. But its only for now, you can do different things with different parts/phases of your life, which can overlap if you want. Teach now, take time off later for book and screenplay writing (while possibly having children). Go abroad before you have children, and again when they're older and can go with you. Go back to teaching and write short stories as you teach at a community college or university (this can fit in almost anyhwere in life). But bottom line is - you are talented and can do ALL of these things. And if you think you have found the right person to do these things with, hold on to them, and they're willingness to do all these things (and their life to do list as well) will prove that they are just that: the right person.
Love you
-Claire
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